All in Canada

Milk 2 Go Sport Pro Chocolate

It probably won’t stab you to death in the shower. That’s the only positive thing I can say about it. You won’t question the ‘no sugar added’ claim on the front, but you may ponder how many brushings it will take to erase the flavor from your mouth, and how much bleach you’ll have to huff to dull the memory.

Island Farms Chocolate Milk

Uber smooth, and has a noticeably ‘woody’ flavor— slightly bolder than that of your typical paper/carton taste. It’s not off-putting, but it’s not flavorful enough to overcome (what I assume to be) the essence leeched from the packaging.

Joyya Chocolate Milk

A rotten, chalkier emulation of Fairlife, Everything is second rate, from the sickly gray substance that slithers out of the hole to the ‘what-sweetness-exists-is-obviously-fake’ flavor, to the starchy, drying finish. Awful.

Milk 2 Go Cookies & Cream

If washed-out vanilla milk is your scene, look no further. What flavor there is lingers a bit much and morphs into an unpleasant aftertaste that will have you reaching for the salt & vinegar chips to bring it to swift judgment.

Valley Pride Organic Chocolate Milk

For mature audiences only! Dark chocolate flavor that retreats to the rear of the palate, absconding with your inhibitions and challenging your long-held chocolate milk paradigms. It’s delicious as it is unique, and for true fans of fireside sipping, sophistication emulating, or post-self-destruction brooding, this may be the one for you.

Avalon Dairy Chocolate Milk

Its pinkish hue exudes novelty from the very start, culminating in quite possibly the most powerfully malty chocolate milk I’ve yet to experience in nearly 1,300 worldwide. The texture is beautiful and does well to support the sharply delicious and nonpareil malty flavor.

Hope Eco-Farms Chocolate Milk from Grassfed Water-Buffalo

Thin, creamy (we cheated by using a blender, as tireless manual shaking couldn’t break up all the chunks of cream), and a prominent but slightly powdery chocolate flavor. The cream is really difficult to incorporate fully, as it becomes foamy and wants to ride atop the drink. As such, the flavor gets washed out toward the end by a watery feel. It’s unique, and not miles apart from cows milk— only the aftertaste hints at difference, be it species or the grassfed-ness.

Hope Eco-Farms Chocolate Milk From Grassfed Sheep

Powerful blast of flavor— cocoa, cream, and a salty butteriness that will cause your tongue to weep: emitting tears more closely associated with joy than sorrow. There’s no goaty twang, but an undeniably unique quality that is both fun and interesting. Once the liquid is gone, you have a drying chalkiness that isn’t terribly off-putting because the tasty flavor lingers alongside. A must-try for fans of chocolate milk!