All tagged 2.0

Equate Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Thick, mildly grainy, chalky, and severely handcuffed by a strong, metallic flavor that hits in the back half of the sip. Fortunately it doesn't linger for very long, but when both the taste and texture are miles from decency (let alone perfection) it's hard to give this anything above a deuce.

Orgain Kids Protein Organic Chocolate Shake

Undersweet in a way that feels extreme at first, but feels more appropriate once you're several sips in. There's an artificial twinge in the aftertaste that leaves me in a bad place, but I get that this is not meant for recreation, but for discipline. There's a modestly creamy base that can support much more than the dusting of cocoa contained therein, and while uniqueness has cachet with me, too many of its idiosyncrasies stack up in the 'loss' column. Maybe it tastes better through the provided straw, but I'm not curious enough to try this again anytime soon.

Chobani Reduced Fat Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Disturbingly thick, decidedly undersweet-- you almost have to chew it to get it down, which is a lot more work than the payoff is worth. I do appreciate the confidence to go low on the sugar, while not supplimenting with another kabuki sweetener. It's unique, and has a hefty protein kick, but the thickness-to-creaminess ratio is dissatisfyingly high, and I'm left with a dry mouth, full gut, and shattered dreams. Ok that's a bit dramatic.

Borden Kid Builder Chocolate Milk

Cloying upfront sweetness, especially for a no sugar added product— where the stevia takes over in the latter half of the sip, steering you into a chemical-esque downward spiral of dread. The texture is less concerning, though it sports an odd lightness, thankfully making it less likely to trigger your gag reflex.

TruMoo Fat Free Chocolate Milk

A mere husk of what chocolate milk could (and should) be, this fat-free, soul-free, flavor-free concoction leaves you with nothing more than an annoying astringent finish and abject puzzlement. Water seems more interesting and nuanced by comparison.

Cheer Fat Free Chocolate Milk

Feels more syrupy than milky— not only texture-wise, but the flavor is also more of an empty sweetness than one of chocolate. It checks the box for the waning populace to whom the phrase ‘fat free’ still holds cachet— but this is yet another example of nonfat chocolate milk attempting to please everyone, whilst effectively pleasing no one. 

Zesto Choc-O Chocolate Milk

The drink has a cartoony feel that’s eerily congruent with the lasso-wielding, bi-pedal cow emblazoned on the package. Flavorwise, there's a pronounced sourness that is common with some flavorings, and the texture is unpleasantly inauthentic feeling (and looking).

Goodday Chocolate Milk

More sharply ‘rummy’ than the UHT version, and accompanied by a ‘soiled paint thinner’ note quite opposite of the pleasantly sweet vanilla aroma. On its own, you might not notice the shortcomings as much, but in serial comparison to other chocolate milks, it’s surprisingly ugly.

Fresh Delight Chocolate Milk (UHT)

Paralyzingly bland-- no sweetness, cocoa, salt, malt, you name it.. Scoring this a 2.0 overall, as anything below 2.0 needs to have enough of a flavor to be considered ‘bad.’ This product is evidently aimed at those who find ketchup too spicy, and The Andy Griffith Show too racy.

Yoohoo Chocolate Strawberry

It tastes like sweet strawberry gum— not the worst thing ever, but I couldn’t locate the chocolate component. My biggest disappointment was that the product is the typical Yoohoo brown— I was hoping for something closer to the box’s radioactive mauve.