All in USA

Kroger Private Selection Primo Pastures Belgian Chocolate Milk

A suitable alternative to main-lining Hershey’s chocolate syrup. It’s uber sweet, cumbersomely chalky, and powerfully chocolaty— but in a more sweet than bitter way. There’s an almost alcohol-like twang to the finish— as though chocolate liqueur was a major component of the flavor. In short, you CAN have too much of a good thing— and they’re trying way too hard here; it reeks more of desperation than aspiration.

KSU Chocolate Milk

Excellent creaminess with minimal viscosity— one of the most competent chocolate milks I’ve ever had in terms of this ratio. Both elegant and lithe, it drinks like a dream that you don’t want to wake from. Flavor-wise, it’s decidedly on the bland side, choosing to slow-play the cocoa flavor whilst keeping the sugar well at bay.

Mom's Organic Chocolate Milk

Confidently wild, luxuriously creamy, and exceedingly drinkable— the grass-fed cream is by far the star of the show here. Chocolate plays an understated, yet competent role, letting the cream flourish and the salt accentuate each draw like an ocean wave lapping the smoothly sun-bleached rocks of the Downeast Maine coast.

Kreider Farms Chocolate Milk

Relatively thin for whole milk, yet creamy and tasty in a way that whole chocolate milk is expected to be. There are neither sinister deviations from- nor brilliant exploitations of- the typical chocolate milk properties, just delicious simplicity.

Windy Ridge Dairy Chocolate Mint Milk

Quite possibly the finest chocolate mint milk extant. It arrives with a flavorful density, yet lightens immediately in the mouth as though it knows exactly where to go and how to navigate to its destination— leaving you with a satisfying minty coolness from gums to gullet. Alliteration was never my strong point.

TruMoo After Dark Mexican Style Chocolate Milk

Wow— this flavor profile (chocolate, chili pepper, cinnamon) may not be for everyone (self included), but it’s executed remarkably well here, particularly the slightly delayed heat from the pepper that comes in at the perfect time and strength. The cinnamon is not overpowering, and the chocolate is present throughout. A marvel of modern engineering, and if you think you might like this, it’s a no-brainer.

Fairlife Chocolate Whole Milk

The same, signature Fairlife taste plugged into a creamier base. The sweetness is distractingly unnatural and significantly hampers the experience. I get that the nutrition stats are attractive (low sugar, high protein) and it serves that market well, but from a flavor standpoint, it doesn’t quite do whole milk justice.

Martin's Chocolate Milk

A strong, stationery-esque taste has unfortunately leeched from the carton, distracting from its originally intended flavor. Texture-wise, it’s full and smoothly pleasant, and the sweetness is thankfully in check.

Sand Hill Dairy Chocolate Milk

A strapping meathook of buttery cream grabs you by the scruff of the neck and takes you on an adventure you won’t soon forget. It’s wilder than average, saltier than sweet, uniquely fascinating, and entirely delicious! I drank the whole pint before writing a single word (luckily I had 2 bottles)- so it effectively rendered me in a listless stupor— albeit slightly more alert than my default state. Touché.

Bellflower Chocolate Single Origin Chocolate Milk

A nostril-flaring, nipple-hardening cocoa experience you will neither match nor forget; a must-have for any fan of chocolate, milk, or the luxurious confluence thereof. From bouquet to delicious cocoa nibs, to the mature aftertaste that satisfies yet beseeches the next sip: this will buzz you beyond the limits your morning french press. Outstanding.