All tagged Gluten Free

Ghost Yoo-hoo Chocolate

Co-branding a milk product with Yoo-hoo isn't exactly aiming for the stars from a flavor standpoint. That said, the branding is eye-catching and I'm embarrassed to say I was excited to buy a flat (12-pack) of this and crack one open. And be careful when you do that-- this stuff is pretty foamy if opening after a brief shake. After the first sip, I was upset to have purchased a whole flat. It's nasty. there's an upfront chemical / metallic quality that stays with you, as does the chalky / astringent mouthfeel that plagues each sip. The 'chocolate' presence is oversweet and fleeting. Does it taste like Yoo-hoo? No. Yoo-hoo is smooth, sweet, watery chocolate fluid with minimal other baggage. This stuff is moving in for a few months and doesn't plan on doing much laundry.

Vital Proteins Chocolate Collagen & Protein Shake

My first impression was "Well, I've had worse." Not a shitload worse, but worse nonetheless. I'm a fan of under-sweetness for sure, but there's got to be some other decent flavor or aspect being revealed by the under-sweetness, or it's all for naught. I feel like the primary flavor is 'ashtray'-- in a world where there's chocolate tobacco. There's a lingering twang from the sweeteners as well, which dominates the aftertaste once the initial flavor shock wears off. Temper your expectations for taste when you buy a 4-pack of this stuff-- if you need collagen that badly, there must be more enjoyable ways of obtaining it. 

Premier Protein Cookie Dough

Refreshingly salty-- which is an odd phrase to write, but the 'recovery' genre is replete with faux-sweet, severely under-salted, sludgy swill. And at least this stuff is neither under-salted nor sludgy. There's really no cocoa presence to be found-- it's a weird cake-batter-meets-sawdust flavor profile, that leaves a slightly malty and oily footprint on the palate (not as unpleasant as it sounds). I applaud the effort, and while I do have an enormous soft spot for cookie dough, this doesn't approximate it well at all, but it's unique enough to warrant multiple sentences of commentary, if nothing else.

Boost Advanced Rich Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Surprisingly punchy cocoa flavor, congruent with its attractive deep, dark brown visage. The sweetener profile is calibrated to an appropriate strength, but remains a little distracting and steers the overall flavor in a wonky direction. For the genre, this is quite palatable, but in the grand scheme of (chocolate milk) things, it's severely lacking in most of the scoring categories.

Barebells Choco Milk Drink

Pleasant upfront texture and creamier-than-average for the genre, but severely lacking in salty presence that would have further amplified the cream and provided a more resolute…resolution to each sip. As it stands, it is what you probably think it is, and as long as your flavor expectations are adequately tempered, you won't feel cheated. The packaging is lovely (for what it's worth) and 325mL is easy enough to get through on your drive home from the gas station.

Prime Chocolate Shake

There's a sourness that is probably meant to simulate chocolate flavor, but it does nothing aside from highlight the other phony qualities going on here, mainly the sweetness and texture. It's a smooth enough way to get 32g of protein, I concede, but it's nothing that will please your tastebuds in the process, and you'll find yourself drinking this quickly, not out of enjoyment, but more to get it out of the way so you can put something else in your mouth that will be more satisfying. That said, this has a slight saltiness that the cookies & cream version does not, and that helps a little.

Prime Cookies & Cream Shake

Tastes like sweet plastic, with a slight astringency on the back end. It feels smooth and glides down the palate pretty quickly, but the fugazi sweetener lingers a bit too long and taints any 'cookies & cream' flavor that there might be. And there might not be. This isn't good.

Slate Ultra Protein Cookies & Cream

Initially feels more balanced from a salty/sweet standpoint, which is an improvement, but the sweetener doesn't age well over the course of the sip and it leads to a drying sensation in the third act. There is a modest cookies & cream flavor that you can find if you sift through its other components thoroughly enough-- though careful, intentional sipping of this stuff likely not intended, and certainly not recommended. If people are this desperate for 30g of protein, I guess they're willing to brave the elements in the name of... better health? Ok.

Slate Ultra Protein Chocolate

Gone is the searing, face-altering, chemical spill in a can, in favor of a significantly muted, bland, and more pleasantly palatable version of Slate. This actually surprised me when I first tried it, in a positive, found-a-five-dollar-bill-in-my-pants-pocket way. They seem to have understood that when taste is bad, less of it is better, and they've righted the ship to the point where this is neither distracting nor off-putting. For high-protein, low carb, canned chocolate milk, this may be as good as it gets.

Slate Mocha Latte

Strong coffee flavor that does a decent job of masking the monk fruit and Stevia leaf sweetener pairing-- this feels like it has a lot of caffeine (and it does-- 175mg per can). Fortunately, the sweeteners don't play a supporting role, and this is overall a few standard deviations less sweet than average chocolate milk. Texture-wise, you can feel the modestly starchy protein isolate throughout, and especially upon the conclusion each sip, where there's a noticeable but non-egregious astringency that lingers for a few beats. I don't get any of the 'cocoa' side of 'mocha'-- but flavor-wise, this is the most palatable chocolate-adjacent product I've had from Slate. 

Premier Protein Winter Mint Chocolate

A pleasant change-up to the genre, I will say the mint flavoring here is both deftly executed and welcomed, even if it's only a limited edition release. It's nicely under-sweet, with equally discernible but not over-the-top chocolate and mint components. From a texture standpoint, sure, it suffers the same afflictions of the high-protein/low calorie genre-- a thickened/starchy/chalky body with a drying finish-- but some of that is mitigated by a nicely resolute cooling/minty presence on the back-end. It's not strong enough to call it a 'zing'-- but perhaps a more subtle and demure 'farewell.'

Redcon1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate (2025)

As a chocolate milk reviewer, 'bad' is a word I go out of my way to avoid using. It's boring, one-dimensional, and a pretty 'basic bitch' adjective to employ in a food or drink review. But this stuff is just...bad-- not sure how else to say it. An almost violently bright/beautiful brown color overpromises to a fraudulent extent-- because as soon as this crosses your lips, a bolt of searing regret hits you right in whatever part of the brain registers searing regret, I think it's behind one of the ears somewhere. From the painfully cloying and flat-out weird sweetener profile, to the chalky yet somehow watery and unfulfilling texture, to the obtuse 'cocoa' flavor that just tastes like a foul 'brown' in the way that fruit punch tastes (somewhat pleasantly) 'red.' If you need 40g protein, eat a half dozen eggs instead. Raw, and still in the shell if you have to.

Quest Chocolate Protein Milkshake

Shockingly cloying, fake-feeling sweetness on the first sip, but your taste buds acclimate surprisingly quickly to it. For the protein-enriched genre, it's got a thinner-than-average viscosity which helps drinkability and makes the inevitable chalky sledgehammer feel at least like a rubber-tipped one. There's a noticeable saltiness which also aids in keeping the sweetness more in the background than it otherwise would be. By the time I've gone through all 414mL, I've warmed to the flavor a bit, and find it to be a half-step above the typical 'high-protein/low-carb' offering from a taste and drinking experience perspective.

Quest Chocolate Protein Shake (2025)

Interesting initial pop of flavor-- a punchy (faux) sweetness, then a cocoa hit, then somewhat of a watery washout. It makes you feel 'something'-- whether that 'something' adds to or subtracts from your experience on this planet is certainly debatable. The watery finish ameliorates some of the (would-be) chalkiness and astringency, but it accentuates the gimmicky sweetener combination of Sucralose, invert sugar, and Stevia. Do it if you need the protein. Don't if you don't.

Member's Mark Chocolate High Protein Nutritional Shake

Beefily thick and chalky, with a phony-feeling (but thankfully under-stated) sweetness and a drab cocoa flavor. Part of what makes it drab is the fact that it's got hardly any saltiness, which makes the rest of the underwhelming flavor feel 'blunt' and one-dimensional. It doesn't drink great, but I've had worse. This is what you think it is, and if you think this is good, then it's not what you think it is. 

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

In an attempt to remove some calories and all flavor, Nesquik Zero is a no-sugar added version of their already washed-out chocolate concoction. There's not much here-- the Sucralose & ace-K sweetener duo are pleasantly unobtrusive, and you're left with a lightly malty whimper of what may have been chocolate milk at one time. If this is what they were going for, they knocked it out of the park.

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Premier Protein Indulgence Decadent Dark Chocolate

Unsurprisingly thick and chalky, but surprisingly chocolaty-- and I must say, there's more of a salty hit which is rarely found in this recovery, protein-laden genre-- and I think it does the flavor and drinking experience some good. That said, it still compares poorly to your average, 1% lowfat chooclate milk, but it's noticeably a step up from your typical low-carb, high-protein gruel. "Indulgence" is definitely a stretch, but if we're speaking in relative terms, fine.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Exceedingly thin cocoa presence, and very little flavor outside of the cloying, unnatural-feeling spike you get from the monk fruit juice concentrate (natural sweetener). The strange sweetness twang dominates the experience and remains into the aftertaste, paired with a textural astringency that plays chalkier than it should on the palate. I appreciate that it's lactose free, A2 beta casein protein, gluten free, lower sugar, higher protein-- but the flavor and drinking experience is severely lacking in the 'enjoyment' measures.