All tagged Gluten Free

Quest Chocolate Protein Milkshake

Shockingly cloying, fake-feeling sweetness on the first sip, but your taste buds acclimate surprisingly quickly to it. For the protein-enriched genre, it's got a thinner-than-average viscosity which helps drinkability and makes the inevitable chalky sledgehammer feel at least like a rubber-tipped one. There's a noticeable saltiness which also aids in keeping the sweetness more in the background than it otherwise would be. By the time I've gone through all 414mL, I've warmed to the flavor a bit, and find it to be a half-step above the typical 'high-protein/low-carb' offering from a taste and drinking experience perspective.

Quest Chocolate Protein Shake (2025)

Interesting initial pop of flavor-- a punchy (faux) sweetness, then a cocoa hit, then somewhat of a watery washout. It makes you feel 'something'-- whether that 'something' adds to or subtracts from your experience on this planet is certainly debatable. The watery finish ameliorates some of the (would-be) chalkiness and astringency, but it accentuates the gimmicky sweetener combination of Sucralose, invert sugar, and Stevia. Do it if you need the protein. Don't if you don't.

Member's Mark Chocolate High Protein Nutritional Shake

Beefily thick and chalky, with a phony-feeling (but thankfully under-stated) sweetness and a drab cocoa flavor. Part of what makes it drab is the fact that it's got hardly any saltiness, which makes the rest of the underwhelming flavor feel 'blunt' and one-dimensional. It doesn't drink great, but I've had worse. This is what you think it is, and if you think this is good, then it's not what you think it is. 

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

In an attempt to remove some calories and all flavor, Nesquik Zero is a no-sugar added version of their already washed-out chocolate concoction. There's not much here-- the Sucralose & ace-K sweetener duo are pleasantly unobtrusive, and you're left with a lightly malty whimper of what may have been chocolate milk at one time. If this is what they were going for, they knocked it out of the park.

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Premier Protein Indulgence Decadent Dark Chocolate

Unsurprisingly thick and chalky, but surprisingly chocolaty-- and I must say, there's more of a salty hit which is rarely found in this recovery, protein-laden genre-- and I think it does the flavor and drinking experience some good. That said, it still compares poorly to your average, 1% lowfat chooclate milk, but it's noticeably a step up from your typical low-carb, high-protein gruel. "Indulgence" is definitely a stretch, but if we're speaking in relative terms, fine.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Exceedingly thin cocoa presence, and very little flavor outside of the cloying, unnatural-feeling spike you get from the monk fruit juice concentrate (natural sweetener). The strange sweetness twang dominates the experience and remains into the aftertaste, paired with a textural astringency that plays chalkier than it should on the palate. I appreciate that it's lactose free, A2 beta casein protein, gluten free, lower sugar, higher protein-- but the flavor and drinking experience is severely lacking in the 'enjoyment' measures.

Choc-Ola Cow Power!

Basically a slightly more chocolaty version of Yoo-hoo. It's watery, thin, smooth, and largely unsatisfying. I like the packaging, and I respect the fact that it's been an Indianapolis institution for more years than I've been on this planet. I just don't see what value it brings to the table outside of nostalgia.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk (2024)

So brown, that it's nearly an angry red color-- and so undersweet that it amplifies the interrobang-inducing, off-putting soy-adjacent (but not soy) flavor that, while unique, assertively legislates the case against novelty. Texture-wise, it's a mess of upfront anemia and back-end weight-lifting chalk.That said, this is at least 3 times more enjoyable than the first formulation I had a couple years ago-- but 3 times zero is still zero.

United Dairy Whole Chocolate Milk (2024)

Smooth and drinkable, with a more pronounced vanilla bent to the flavor as opposed to chocolate; it's about as chocolaty as it looks, which isn't much. There's cloying bite to the sweetness, likely the HFCS registering and then lingering on the palate beyond its welcome. You could do better, you could do a lot worse-- this is bottom-tier whole chocolate milk that gets the job done in a pinch-- but best not to find yourself in said pinch in the first place.

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Surprisingly bland, and I mean that in a good way. The sweeteners aren't out of control, the texture isn't overly thick or chalky, and the cocoa flavor is subtle, if not pancake-thin, but identifiable nonetheless. Usually protein shakes slither and writhe out of their openings like a (somehow still alive) jellied eel-- and in this case, it's, well, directionally milky (but not milky) and it doesn't try to do too much. And it largely achieves that (not much). And it doesn't offend terribly in the process. Backhanded praise is still praise. A score of 2.0 is generous.

SlimFast High Protein Creamy Chocolate Shake

Disturbingly thick and chalky, with no positive flavor attributes and a sharp yet playful fake-sweetener twang to the uvula. Impressive enough stats-- 20g protein, 1g sugar, 5g fiber, etc.-- however, it's living proof that there's no biological 'free lunch' as the saying goes. Bad taste and a worse feel, this leans more 'appetite suppressant' than the intended 'meal replacement.'

Shamrock Farms Builder Max Chocolate Shake

Decidedly undersweet, and though it doesn't taste good per se, it's a bold and pleasant departure from its overly-cloying fakely sweet peers. On the texture side, it's what you think it is-- sludgy, chalky, chock full of protein isolate-- all things that veer strongly away from 'milky'. I am nonetheless impressed by the potability and restraint on the sweetening side. It's not good, but I must admit it's twice as good as I expected it to be.

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

Nesquik Fudge Brownie Milk

Stronger and I daresay slightly more mature than the typical Nesquik chocolate milk profile, you can easily convince yourself that the 'fudge brownie' flavor is there and not just the old purple-clad 'double chocolate' Nesquik with a suggestive new name. The experience quickly rings hollow, however, since its lowfat milk base isn't capable of deft flavor extension beyond initial tastebud contact. Disturbing that they have to put "made with real milk" on the package-- feels like it's running without being chased-- only inviting more suspicion in the process. 

Splenda Milk Chocolate Shake

Densely sludgy with no recreational payoff-- it's as hard to recommend this stuff as it is to finish the 8 oz bottle. The dominant flavor isn't one of cocoa-- it's more of an 'old milk on the cusp of turning' fruitiness that is likely a product of its proprietary Splenda sucralose and allulose blend of sweeteners. That flavor carries on in the aftertaste, paired with a drying chalkiness that grinds your mouth to a halt. This might be your body's natural defense against taking another sip. Heed its warning.

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Cookies & Cream

Poorly-executed cookies & cream flavor reliant on a fakey-sweet upfront pop and little more than instant regret on the back end. It didn't feel convincingly 'good'-- and by 'good' I mean 'not rotten'-- so it had me verifying the date stamped on the package a couple times. As of today, the Use By date is still 4+ months in the future, so I'm left to assume it's just general funkiness (and not bacterial invasion) responsible for the off-kilter taste.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Tough to put into words, but think late-August seafood restaurant dumpster juice, without the intrigue. Solidly misses the mark on every facet of chocolate milk (except for a nice but unnaturally bright brown coloration). The flavor is a dull, non-sweet fruitiness with zero inkling of chocolate flavor, and the texture is an odd confluence of watery but chalky and sadly astringent during the remorseful afterglow. I applaud the concept. I dig the niche. I like the branding. Hate is a strong word. I absolutely hate the flavor and drinking experience.