All tagged Low Calorie

Ghost Yoo-hoo Chocolate

Co-branding a milk product with Yoo-hoo isn't exactly aiming for the stars from a flavor standpoint. That said, the branding is eye-catching and I'm embarrassed to say I was excited to buy a flat (12-pack) of this and crack one open. And be careful when you do that-- this stuff is pretty foamy if opening after a brief shake. After the first sip, I was upset to have purchased a whole flat. It's nasty. there's an upfront chemical / metallic quality that stays with you, as does the chalky / astringent mouthfeel that plagues each sip. The 'chocolate' presence is oversweet and fleeting. Does it taste like Yoo-hoo? No. Yoo-hoo is smooth, sweet, watery chocolate fluid with minimal other baggage. This stuff is moving in for a few months and doesn't plan on doing much laundry.

Jumex Churro Chocolate Protein Shake

If you're into the 'churro-chocolate' (chocolate with cinnamon) flavor, I must say, this certainly delivers that. It's not something I particularly enjoy, and combined with the artificial sweetening, overall it's unique but very missable. The texture doesn't hurt the experience, and feels 'nice' for the protein-enhanced genre (not saying much). So another beefed-up, faux-sweetened, chocolate-adjacent milk product in the 'recovery' space... Yay for me.

Vital Proteins Chocolate Collagen & Protein Shake

My first impression was "Well, I've had worse." Not a shitload worse, but worse nonetheless. I'm a fan of under-sweetness for sure, but there's got to be some other decent flavor or aspect being revealed by the under-sweetness, or it's all for naught. I feel like the primary flavor is 'ashtray'-- in a world where there's chocolate tobacco. There's a lingering twang from the sweeteners as well, which dominates the aftertaste once the initial flavor shock wears off. Temper your expectations for taste when you buy a 4-pack of this stuff-- if you need collagen that badly, there must be more enjoyable ways of obtaining it. 

Premier Protein Cookie Dough

Refreshingly salty-- which is an odd phrase to write, but the 'recovery' genre is replete with faux-sweet, severely under-salted, sludgy swill. And at least this stuff is neither under-salted nor sludgy. There's really no cocoa presence to be found-- it's a weird cake-batter-meets-sawdust flavor profile, that leaves a slightly malty and oily footprint on the palate (not as unpleasant as it sounds). I applaud the effort, and while I do have an enormous soft spot for cookie dough, this doesn't approximate it well at all, but it's unique enough to warrant multiple sentences of commentary, if nothing else.

Barebells Choco Milk Drink

Pleasant upfront texture and creamier-than-average for the genre, but severely lacking in salty presence that would have further amplified the cream and provided a more resolute…resolution to each sip. As it stands, it is what you probably think it is, and as long as your flavor expectations are adequately tempered, you won't feel cheated. The packaging is lovely (for what it's worth) and 325mL is easy enough to get through on your drive home from the gas station.

Prime Chocolate Shake

There's a sourness that is probably meant to simulate chocolate flavor, but it does nothing aside from highlight the other phony qualities going on here, mainly the sweetness and texture. It's a smooth enough way to get 32g of protein, I concede, but it's nothing that will please your tastebuds in the process, and you'll find yourself drinking this quickly, not out of enjoyment, but more to get it out of the way so you can put something else in your mouth that will be more satisfying. That said, this has a slight saltiness that the cookies & cream version does not, and that helps a little.

Nurri Mocha Shake

Refreshingly 'milky' for having come out of a can, and decently well-balanced in terms of the cocoa/coffee makeup of mocha. It's less sweet than average, which makes it feel more 'grown up'-- and there's minimal wonky aftertaste to contend with. For something that sports 30g protein, it doesn't feel bogged down and powder-laden. In short, I enjoyed this a fair bit more than expected, and it feels more intentional than most other chocolate-adjacent concoctions in the 'recovery' genre.

Prime Cookies & Cream Shake

Tastes like sweet plastic, with a slight astringency on the back end. It feels smooth and glides down the palate pretty quickly, but the fugazi sweetener lingers a bit too long and taints any 'cookies & cream' flavor that there might be. And there might not be. This isn't good.

Slate Ultra Protein Cookies & Cream

Initially feels more balanced from a salty/sweet standpoint, which is an improvement, but the sweetener doesn't age well over the course of the sip and it leads to a drying sensation in the third act. There is a modest cookies & cream flavor that you can find if you sift through its other components thoroughly enough-- though careful, intentional sipping of this stuff likely not intended, and certainly not recommended. If people are this desperate for 30g of protein, I guess they're willing to brave the elements in the name of... better health? Ok.

Slate Ultra Protein Chocolate

Gone is the searing, face-altering, chemical spill in a can, in favor of a significantly muted, bland, and more pleasantly palatable version of Slate. This actually surprised me when I first tried it, in a positive, found-a-five-dollar-bill-in-my-pants-pocket way. They seem to have understood that when taste is bad, less of it is better, and they've righted the ship to the point where this is neither distracting nor off-putting. For high-protein, low carb, canned chocolate milk, this may be as good as it gets.

Spylt Cookies & Cream Milk

Watery and sweet with a mild upfront vanilla-ish cookies & cream flavor, but quickly washes out and retreats to a nigh-chalky astringent finish. It approximates what an artificially-sweetened vanilla Yoo-hoo would be, but with added caffeine. It's underwhelming, ghostly (ghastly?) white, and not out of place in the Spylt portfolio.

Slate Mocha Latte

Strong coffee flavor that does a decent job of masking the monk fruit and Stevia leaf sweetener pairing-- this feels like it has a lot of caffeine (and it does-- 175mg per can). Fortunately, the sweeteners don't play a supporting role, and this is overall a few standard deviations less sweet than average chocolate milk. Texture-wise, you can feel the modestly starchy protein isolate throughout, and especially upon the conclusion each sip, where there's a noticeable but non-egregious astringency that lingers for a few beats. I don't get any of the 'cocoa' side of 'mocha'-- but flavor-wise, this is the most palatable chocolate-adjacent product I've had from Slate. 

Premier Protein Winter Mint Chocolate

A pleasant change-up to the genre, I will say the mint flavoring here is both deftly executed and welcomed, even if it's only a limited edition release. It's nicely under-sweet, with equally discernible but not over-the-top chocolate and mint components. From a texture standpoint, sure, it suffers the same afflictions of the high-protein/low calorie genre-- a thickened/starchy/chalky body with a drying finish-- but some of that is mitigated by a nicely resolute cooling/minty presence on the back-end. It's not strong enough to call it a 'zing'-- but perhaps a more subtle and demure 'farewell.'

Nurri Chocolate Milk Shake

Thick for what you generally get out of a can, pleasantly bland (given the genre), and while it carries some faux-sweet aftertaste baggage, it's not good, but also not the the worst thing in the world. It's like "I have a sexist uncle who occasionally says something inappropriate" kind of baggage, rather than "my last two girlfriends mysteriously passed away in their sleep" baggage. I've had a whole 12-pack of this stuff to arrive at my honest opinion, and to some extent, I've warmed up to it. In short, it's simply got a more 'balanced' flavor and drinking experience than many of its peers. Consider it a hard-fought 2.0.

Member's Mark Chocolate High Protein Nutritional Shake

Beefily thick and chalky, with a phony-feeling (but thankfully under-stated) sweetness and a drab cocoa flavor. Part of what makes it drab is the fact that it's got hardly any saltiness, which makes the rest of the underwhelming flavor feel 'blunt' and one-dimensional. It doesn't drink great, but I've had worse. This is what you think it is, and if you think this is good, then it's not what you think it is. 

Dairy Pure Milk 50 Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Egregiously out of balance-- thicker than you expect for nonfat chocolate milk, with a gummy/slimy texture and slight astringency on the way out. Barely any flavor whatsoever, severely lacking cream, salt, sweetness, cocoa-- or anything remotely pleasurable. They took a paradigm-- chocolate milk-- and completely removed anything that anyone would enjoy about it. Even the color is a washed-out, ashen gray that further drives home the emptiness of this product. It's a husk. It's a failure. It's tasteless non-alcoholic beer that provides no buzz, yet a searing hangover. 

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

In an attempt to remove some calories and all flavor, Nesquik Zero is a no-sugar added version of their already washed-out chocolate concoction. There's not much here-- the Sucralose & ace-K sweetener duo are pleasantly unobtrusive, and you're left with a lightly malty whimper of what may have been chocolate milk at one time. If this is what they were going for, they knocked it out of the park.

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk (2024)

So brown, that it's nearly an angry red color-- and so undersweet that it amplifies the interrobang-inducing, off-putting soy-adjacent (but not soy) flavor that, while unique, assertively legislates the case against novelty. Texture-wise, it's a mess of upfront anemia and back-end weight-lifting chalk.That said, this is at least 3 times more enjoyable than the first formulation I had a couple years ago-- but 3 times zero is still zero.