All tagged Low Calorie

Nurri Chocolate Milk Shake

Nurri Chocolate Milk Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Thick for what you generally get out of a can, pleasantly bland (given the genre), and while it carries some faux-sweet aftertaste baggage, it's not good, but also not the the worst thing in the world. It's like "I have a sexist uncle who occasionally says something inappropriate" kind of baggage, rather than "my last two girlfriends mysteriously passed away in their sleep" baggage. I've had a whole 12-pack of this stuff to arrive at my honest opinion, and to some extent, I've warmed up to it. In short, it's simply got a more 'balanced' flavor and drinking experience than many of its peers. Consider it a hard-fought 2.0.

Member's Mark Chocolate High Protein Nutritional Shake

Member's Mark Chocolate High Protein Nutritional Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Beefily thick and chalky, with a phony-feeling (but thankfully under-stated) sweetness and a drab cocoa flavor. Part of what makes it drab is the fact that it's got hardly any saltiness, which makes the rest of the underwhelming flavor feel 'blunt' and one-dimensional. It doesn't drink great, but I've had worse. This is what you think it is, and if you think this is good, then it's not what you think it is. 

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

In an attempt to remove some calories and all flavor, Nesquik Zero is a no-sugar added version of their already washed-out chocolate concoction. There's not much here-- the Sucralose & ace-K sweetener duo are pleasantly unobtrusive, and you're left with a lightly malty whimper of what may have been chocolate milk at one time. If this is what they were going for, they knocked it out of the park.

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Raw Chocolate Milkshake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Brutally cloying, inauthentic-feeling sweetness clubs you upfront, and if you enjoy punishment and go back for a second sip, your (now lower) expectations will be met, and you will think to yourself "dammit, why did I buy a whole case of these without trying one first?". The sweeteners steer you far off course, though you can catch a glimpse of a cocoa flavor desperate to poke through. Like a half-dead skunk in the middle of the road-- it won't do either of you any good to get it to the other side. Texture-wise, it's fine given the 'recovery' genre, but a long ways from 'milky' or 'pleasant.' Try if you must, avoid if you can.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milkshake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk (2024)

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk (2024)

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

So brown, that it's nearly an angry red color-- and so undersweet that it amplifies the interrobang-inducing, off-putting soy-adjacent (but not soy) flavor that, while unique, assertively legislates the case against novelty. Texture-wise, it's a mess of upfront anemia and back-end weight-lifting chalk.That said, this is at least 3 times more enjoyable than the first formulation I had a couple years ago-- but 3 times zero is still zero.

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Optimum Nutrition Gold Standard Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly bland, and I mean that in a good way. The sweeteners aren't out of control, the texture isn't overly thick or chalky, and the cocoa flavor is subtle, if not pancake-thin, but identifiable nonetheless. Usually protein shakes slither and writhe out of their openings like a (somehow still alive) jellied eel-- and in this case, it's, well, directionally milky (but not milky) and it doesn't try to do too much. And it largely achieves that (not much). And it doesn't offend terribly in the process. Backhanded praise is still praise. A score of 2.0 is generous.

Muscle Milk Zero Chocolate Protein Shake

Muscle Milk Zero Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Fakely (and strongly) sweet upfront with a starchy, chalky body-- full of protein to be sure, but devoid of anything pleasant. There's little to no cocoa flavor in spite of its dark and deeply brown visage. The post-sip vibes are a regret-inducing confluence of astringency and cloying chemical sweetness. ZERO reasons to drink this unless you need a quick protein infusion.

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

REDCON1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Disturbingly (albeit artificially) sweet upon first sip, with a chalky, gummy, non-milky consistency that's neither enjoyable nor uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. The faux-sweetness lingers well beyond its initial spike, and the flavor certainly doesn't improve over time. I get that taste and drinking experience isn't this product's raison d'être, but dialing back the sweetness by 300% would yield at least a 100% improvement.

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Bored Cow Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Tough to put into words, but think late-August seafood restaurant dumpster juice, without the intrigue. Solidly misses the mark on every facet of chocolate milk (except for a nice but unnaturally bright brown coloration). The flavor is a dull, non-sweet fruitiness with zero inkling of chocolate flavor, and the texture is an odd confluence of watery but chalky and sadly astringent during the remorseful afterglow. I applaud the concept. I dig the niche. I like the branding. Hate is a strong word. I absolutely hate the flavor and drinking experience.

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strange light-vanilla flavor that has a cereal-esque bent to it-- but ultimately dominated by an inauthentic sweetness that peaks early and rears its head again in the aftertaste. It seems fakely sweet, fakely salty, and wholly unsatisfying. Texture-wise, it could be a lot worse, as it flows pretty freely and is not bogged down by a starchy sludginess like many others in the 'recovery' genre.

Premier Protein Chocolate Peanut Butter

Premier Protein Chocolate Peanut Butter

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly palatable for 1g sugar and 30g protein-- the additional salt and peanut butter flavoring helps quite a bit and feels like 'success' despite a low overall rating compared with average chocolate milk. There's no getting rid of the vitamin-laden, metallic 'twang' that plagues these type of drinks, but at least it attempts to make it more pleasurable on its way down.

Six Star Clean Protein Shake Gourmet Chocolate Milk

Six Star Clean Protein Shake Gourmet Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Somehow manages to avoid 'face-twisting' territory. The texture is chalky, drying, and heavy, while the flavor is best described as faux-sweetly metallic. You could do a lot worse in this category, but drinking this for pleasure would be an exercise in self-loathing. If you need 32g of protein with minimal caloric baggage, have at it, but don't expect to like it.

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Chocolate

Alani Nutrition Fit Shake Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

You won't believe that this doesn't contain 'coconut' flavor in some capacity. It's an odd flavor, completely devoid of chocolate, but surprisingly pleasant given the low expectations. It drinks a little lighter than its peers, but still has a drying chalkiness that seems to be unavoidable in this tranche. Points for uniqueness and wince-free potability.

Fairlife Protein Chocolate Milk

Fairlife Protein Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Lead-like dull flavor, with no semblance of what makes chocolate milk enjoyable-- some sweetness, cocoa, creaminess, etc-- none of those are remotely represented here. There's a mineral-esque, clinical, hold-your-nose-and-take-your-medicine quality to the 'flavor', and an egregiously chalky and drying finish that, as far as I can tell, is an effort to curb that pre-vomit salivation.

Oberweis Dairy Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Oberweis Dairy Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

I'm genuinely embarrassed by my low expectations-- this is an outstanding port of the traditional Oberweis 2% chocolate milk. Particularly impressive is the no-sugar-added (allulose/stevia) finesse, executed so deftly that you have to try hard to notice the difference. For all the times I've been beat mercilessly over the head by the Stevia or Monk Fruit sledgehammer-- I had assumed that using these ingredients were a lost cause; an automatic palate destroyer. Not anymore. Oberweis figured out just the right levels to deliver a relatively low calorie, low sugar, high caliber chocolate milk experience worthy of your time, especially for those seeking these 'better for you' or lactose free features. It can be done. They cracked the code. I like this stuff.

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Much flatter than its lighter counterpart, the sledgehammer of fake sweetness is significantly mitigated here-- allowing for some actual cocoa flavor to poke through. There's still an issue with the chalky / drying texture here but that's not terribly uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. A clear winner among the Slate portfolio, but still won't compare favorably to even the most average of chocolate milks.

Slate Chocolate Milk

Slate Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Overpowering faux take-your-medicine-esque sweetness with little relief to follow. You're left with an unnatural aftertaste and drying residue-- no semblance of chocolate or milk to be found. The label recommends you to 'shamelessly chug away'-- and I agree, as you'll want to limit the amount of tastebud contact as best you can.

Muscle Monster Chocolate Energy Shake

Muscle Monster Chocolate Energy Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

An improvement over past iterations, but still lacking heavily in most relevant measures. It drinks a lot more watery than it looks and feels-- and has a pretty restrained flavor (which is better than having a strong, awful flavor). A chalkiness sets in about 4 seconds after the swallow, and it will even spread to your lips if unchecked. In short, not as offensive as I was braced for, but to call it a pleasant surprise would border on hyperbolic.

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