All tagged Review Examples

Milk 2 Go Sport Pro Chocolate

It probably won’t stab you to death in the shower. That’s the only positive thing I can say about it. You won’t question the ‘no sugar added’ claim on the front, but you may ponder how many brushings it will take to erase the flavor from your mouth, and how much bleach you’ll have to huff to dull the memory.

Hansen's Dairy Chocolate Milk

Beautifully focused on chocolate, with a confident salty snap and a sweetness that fades into the background like a motionless barn owl. This definitely pushes the limits of what 1% milk fat can achieve— if/when Hansen’s Dairy produces a whole chocolate milk, I’ll be first in line! 

Edgewood Creamery Chocolate Milk

Infinitely creamy, delectably malty, and a sleek, velvety viscosity that won’t clog one’s esophagus (despite my best efforts). It’s got just the right amount of wildness, and a buttery base that sustains its flavor well into the post-sip introspection stage.

Calder Bros. Dairy Chocolate Milk

Immensely chocolaty, creamy and plenty sweet— it’s not just ‘dessert-y’— but a full-on dessert in itself. The cocoa flavor is bold and lasts well into the next few minutes of your life, after which you may want to strongly consider brushing your teeth.

Our Family Low Fat Chocolate Milk

Lightly sweet and bland, with a starchy clinginess to the inside of your mouth— as though it's trying its best to hang on and impart some flavor “if only we had more time!!”— but fails remarkably in the end, cascading down the esophageal chasm never to be heard from again.

Sport Shake Power Shake Chocolate

Super dense, super sweet, and chock full of flavor, and in spite of my initial recoil, I can't say that it’s poorly executed. There's a chalky element, but it’s somewhat mitigated by the cream element-- and the flavor might singe the back of your throat, but that pales in comparison to what it does to your pancreas. Not bad.

Nutcher Milk Company Chocolate Milk

Devastatingly beautiful mouthfeel, highlighted by a creamy cascade of love that impregnates your palate with the essence of what chocolate milk was intended to be. I feel it deserves at least few more adulatory sentences, but crafting them (and doing it adequate justice) would cut into my time, which, at this moment, is better spent transferring the bottle’s contents to my midsection.

Cheer Fat Free Chocolate Milk

Feels more syrupy than milky— not only texture-wise, but the flavor is also more of an empty sweetness than one of chocolate. It checks the box for the waning populace to whom the phrase ‘fat free’ still holds cachet— but this is yet another example of nonfat chocolate milk attempting to please everyone, whilst effectively pleasing no one. 

Vita Chocolate Milk

Competent all-purpose chocolate milk that should't feel self-conscious around more indulgent options. It’s averagely sweet, salty, chocolaty, and dons a noticeable, but relatively sheer cloak of malt. The package design and color scheme is genius.

Nestle Milo Active Go

Salty and ferrous, as though someone poured watered-down clam chowder through a rusty gutter and boxed it up for you. The basketball player on the front of the box is blatantly exposing both armpits, perhaps a subtle harbinger of what’s inside.

Marigold Chocolate Milk

Mild and uncontroversial in every respect. I wouldn’t brag about this being in my fridge, and nobody is likely to de-friend me on social media if they found out it was there. On the bright side, mediocrity makes the extremes much more interesting.