Sharply and confidently malty, and I applaud the commitment to that end. It’s decidedly unique and pulls off its charter with panache. There’s no lack of salty or sweet, it’s a punch in the face, albeit a well-intentioned one. Bravo.
All in USA
Prairie Farms Chocolate Custard
A violently sweet attempt at chocolate egg nog, with no semblance of chocolate, and sugar content seemingly beyond what science could allow. The searing sweetness will aggravate the nerves in your throat; it’s criminal that this doesn’t come with an insulin chaser.
Weber's Dairy Fresh Chocolate Milk
Quickly flavorful, and leaves you wanting more— both in the sense of a second serving, as well as a desire for a more resolute cocoa flavor and creamier base. Beggars can’t be choosers, and 2% certainly has its limits, but the chasm between ‘good’ and ‘great’ remains formidable.
Crystal Ball Farms Chocolate Milk
The creaminess-to-viscosity ratio makes it infinitely drinkable and the mildly grassy/buttery finish serves as the perfect exclamation point to a delectably enjoyable, rooted-in-nature dairy potable.
Farm Fresh Chocolate Milk
Sweet, smooth, and chocolaty, quite possibly in that order. The flavor is delivered promptly and efficiently, bestowing the delicious experience that we’ve come to expect and revere from whole chocolate milk.
Autumnwood Farm Chocolate Milk
Girth with purpose! Its densely concentrated flavor explodes on the tongue with salt, malt, cocoa, and lovely grassy cream that manages to extend its flavorful footprint long after the swallow. Simply put— there’s a whole lot to like, and fortunately, I’ve got a whole lot to drink.
Cub Fat Free Chocolate Milk
Chalky, hollow, and sadly astringent. This neither satisfies the palate nor drinks easily— I’ll mark it down as a food science failure.
Nesquik Protein Power Chocolate Milk
Funky fortified-esque flavor, not inconsistent with the Nesquik profile, but a departure from what most would consider to be ‘tasty.’ It’s salty upfront, and drying on the back end, and not enjoyable in between. Drink it for the ‘protein’ if you must, but this is strictly for post-recreation, not for recreation itself.
Kappers' Big Red Barn Chocolate Milk
Thin, smooth, and deliciously ice-creamy— quite an achievement with a mere 1% fat! It goes down quickly, but imparts a mildly salty, pleasantly chocolaty, fully unique flavor throughout. Patently excellent low fat chocolate milk.
Fairlife Yup! Cookies N' Creamiest Milk
Mild cookies ‘n cream flavor delivered through an uber-smooth medium that feels a touch unnatural. On the positive side, the artificial sweeteners don’t go overboard here, which is surprising, as cookies ’n cream drinks are prone to that affliction. It doesn’t move the genre forward, but provides another vehicle to get that much needed acesulfame potassium and Sucralose in your diet.
Dahl's Sunrise Dairy Chocolate Milk
The cream and malt forge a formidable team that wrests control of your palate and forces you to acquiesce to its deliciousness. You’re rewarded with a solid cocoa bite on the back end that fades into the aftertaste, readying you for the next draw.
Stony Creek Dairy Low Fat Swiss Chocolate Milk
Remarkable confidence to keep sweetness as a tertiary feature, with a strong upfront mature (nigh earthy) cocoa profile, and a lasting creamy tail that pays delicious homage to its origins.
Polka Dot Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Smooth and sweet, with an average cocoa flavor and intensity. It’s drinkable, enjoyable while it lasts, but forgettable when it’s gone.
Polka Dot Dairy Extra Rich Chocolate Milk
Thick and sweet— but perhaps comes up a bit short of the ‘extra rich’ moniker— as there’s more of a salty-malty snap to it rather than a chocolaty richness. Regardless, it’s enjoyable, particularly for those seeking sugary girth.
Valley View Farms Chocolate Milk Shake
Hefty, and paralyzingly sweet, this concoction is sure to add to your waistline and subtract from your lifetime. The maltiness comes on a bit too strong, but still takes a backseat to the cloying deluge of syrupy sludge that goes from esophagus to pancreas in record time. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Valley View Farms Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Its noticeable density comes with a bit of a flavor pop above what you expect; certainly more enjoyable than the previous version that I’ve had a few years ago.
Nature's Touch Lowfat Chocolate Milk
If ‘bland’ and ‘innocuous’ are two things you seek in a chocolate milk, look no further. It’s recognizable as chocolate milk, and that happens to be its best quality.
Nature's Touch Chocolate Milk
Creamier and marginally more flavorful than its low-fat counterpart, but decidedly does not do whole milk justice. Perhaps the ‘nature’ piece of the Nature’s Touch moniker is the high fructose corn syrup, [regular] corn syrup, corn starch, and water. Corn and water are both ‘natural’— so why not..
Oberweis Dairy Organic Chocolate Milk
A deeper, darker, and of course, creamier experience compared with it’s 2% (non-organic) counterpart— but it lacks a salty punch that would further pop the cocoa and cream. Petty nitpicks aside, it’s an absolutely delicious way to spend a few dollars, a few minutes, and a few hundred calories.
Horizon Organic Lowfat Chocolate Milk (50% more cocoa)
Noticeably more chocolaty with a pleasant back-end grassiness to the cream. A marked improvement over the original Horizon chocolate milk— a step up from the previous blandness whilst keeping sweetness rightfully in the background.