Rowdy Cow Creamery Chocolate Milk

Phenomenal drinking experience, from first contact to lasting afterglow to panicked frenzy when you realize there’s no more left. It nails the viscosity-to-creaminess ratio and meanwhile delivers outstanding chaco-malt flavor unabated to your soul.

Woodruff Jersey Farm Chocolate Malt

As with Grace Harbor Farms, I like what I taste here, but just couldn’t get the cream to incorporate, even with super-vigorous shaking and manual stirring (I don’t have a blender). You’re either force to chew some cream chunks (I’m not opposed) or ignore them and drink a super-thin, cream-deficient junior varsity version of what it could be.

Dugan Road Creamery Chocolate Milk

Punchy flavor swaddled in warmly creamy raiment: this kind of experience is everything one could hope to find on a worldwide chocolate milk odyssey! Expertly negotiates the balance of being indulgently satisfying, yet still leaving you wanting more. Much more.

Origin Chocolate Milk

Delicious from first sip to navel-gazing repose; it’s evident that great care went into the cocoa profile, both in the flavor and how to maintain its presence throughout the experience. The powerful cocoa flavor leaves an ephemeral chalky footprint— one that you’ll want to follow back to the fridge time and time again.

Shatto Milk Company Chocolate Cherry Milk

Cherry flavor rings in early and often throughout the sip, but careful attention has been paid to the sweetness level which remains muted but competently supportive— preventing a ‘candified’ mockery of the rare (in chocolate milk) choc-cherry combo. I believe it’s seasonal (Valentine’s Day), but worth your immediate pursuit— another winner from the peerless Shatto portfolio.

Kroger Private Selection Primo Pastures Belgian Chocolate Milk

A suitable alternative to main-lining Hershey’s chocolate syrup. It’s uber sweet, cumbersomely chalky, and powerfully chocolaty— but in a more sweet than bitter way. There’s an almost alcohol-like twang to the finish— as though chocolate liqueur was a major component of the flavor. In short, you CAN have too much of a good thing— and they’re trying way too hard here; it reeks more of desperation than aspiration.

KSU Chocolate Milk

Excellent creaminess with minimal viscosity— one of the most competent chocolate milks I’ve ever had in terms of this ratio. Both elegant and lithe, it drinks like a dream that you don’t want to wake from. Flavor-wise, it’s decidedly on the bland side, choosing to slow-play the cocoa flavor whilst keeping the sugar well at bay.

Mom's Organic Chocolate Milk

Confidently wild, luxuriously creamy, and exceedingly drinkable— the grass-fed cream is by far the star of the show here. Chocolate plays an understated, yet competent role, letting the cream flourish and the salt accentuate each draw like an ocean wave lapping the smoothly sun-bleached rocks of the Downeast Maine coast.

Kreider Farms Chocolate Milk

Relatively thin for whole milk, yet creamy and tasty in a way that whole chocolate milk is expected to be. There are neither sinister deviations from- nor brilliant exploitations of- the typical chocolate milk properties, just delicious simplicity.

Windy Ridge Dairy Chocolate Mint Milk

Quite possibly the finest chocolate mint milk extant. It arrives with a flavorful density, yet lightens immediately in the mouth as though it knows exactly where to go and how to navigate to its destination— leaving you with a satisfying minty coolness from gums to gullet. Alliteration was never my strong point.

TruMoo After Dark Mexican Style Chocolate Milk

Wow— this flavor profile (chocolate, chili pepper, cinnamon) may not be for everyone (self included), but it’s executed remarkably well here, particularly the slightly delayed heat from the pepper that comes in at the perfect time and strength. The cinnamon is not overpowering, and the chocolate is present throughout. A marvel of modern engineering, and if you think you might like this, it’s a no-brainer.

Fairlife Chocolate Whole Milk

The same, signature Fairlife taste plugged into a creamier base. The sweetness is distractingly unnatural and significantly hampers the experience. I get that the nutrition stats are attractive (low sugar, high protein) and it serves that market well, but from a flavor standpoint, it doesn’t quite do whole milk justice.

Eskimo Chocolate

A poor meld of flavors, marked particularly by its paucity of salt— which throws things further out of balance and foists more attention on the dusty cocoa flavor and untrue sweetness. There is some pleasant congruence, however, between the taste (bad) and the aesthetics (bad).