Sep 22

Sep 22 Ghost Yoo-hoo Chocolate

Co-branding a milk product with Yoo-hoo isn't exactly aiming for the stars from a flavor standpoint. That said, the branding is eye-catching and I'm embarrassed to say I was excited to buy a flat (12-pack) of this and crack one open. And be careful when you do that-- this stuff is pretty foamy if opening after a brief shake. After the first sip, I was upset to have purchased a whole flat. It's nasty. there's an upfront chemical / metallic quality that stays with you, as does the chalky / astringent mouthfeel that plagues each sip. The 'chocolate' presence is oversweet and fleeting. Does it taste like Yoo-hoo? No. Yoo-hoo is smooth, sweet, watery chocolate fluid with minimal other baggage. This stuff is moving in for a few months and doesn't plan on doing much laundry.

Sep 22

Sep 22 Jumex Churro Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

If you're into the 'churro-chocolate' (chocolate with cinnamon) flavor, I must say, this certainly delivers that. It's not something I particularly enjoy, and combined with the artificial sweetening, overall it's unique but very missable. The texture doesn't hurt the experience, and feels 'nice' for the protein-enhanced genre (not saying much). So another beefed-up, faux-sweetened, chocolate-adjacent milk product in the 'recovery' space... Yay for me.

Sep 22

Sep 22 Vital Proteins Chocolate Collagen & Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

My first impression was "Well, I've had worse." Not a shitload worse, but worse nonetheless. I'm a fan of under-sweetness for sure, but there's got to be some other decent flavor or aspect being revealed by the under-sweetness, or it's all for naught. I feel like the primary flavor is 'ashtray'-- in a world where there's chocolate tobacco. There's a lingering twang from the sweeteners as well, which dominates the aftertaste once the initial flavor shock wears off. Temper your expectations for taste when you buy a 4-pack of this stuff-- if you need collagen that badly, there must be more enjoyable ways of obtaining it.

Sep 22

Sep 22 Nurri Chocolate Protein Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Overbearingly thick, albeit neither sludgy nor significantly chalky-- and what might be a pleasant texture to some, remains the biggest drawback for me. Flavorwise, it's forgettable-- which registers as positive for the protein-enhanced genre. It's nicely under-sweet, and the sugar/ace-k/sucralose combo does its job competently especially considering its peer group. The cocoa flavor is there, and remains the primary flavor throughout. Honestly, I was expecting worse (especially after having the Nurri Kids stuff), and rarely does a 4.0 rating feel somewhat charitable. But hey I'm in a good mood.

Aug 8

Aug 8 Maola More Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Unnaturally thick without a creamy payoff. Perhaps it's the prebiotic fiber mucking up the works, which doesn't sound appealing in a chocolate milk-- but fortunately doesn't add baggage on the flavor end. Texture aside, it's not an offensive drinking experience, just rather uninspired. Sure, more protein, less sugar, and added fiber are great features for the macro-conscious, but not for the hedonists in pursuit of the world's best chocolate milk. It's not particlulary chocolaty, creamy, or indulgent-feeling, however the sweeteners (sugar and sucralose) impart less distraction than its immediate peers in the genre. That's the most complimentary thing I can come up with.

Jun 21

Jun 21 Premier Protein Cookie Dough

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Refreshingly salty-- which is an odd phrase to write, but the 'recovery' genre is replete with faux-sweet, severely under-salted, sludgy swill. And at least this stuff is neither under-salted nor sludgy. There's really no cocoa presence to be found-- it's a weird cake-batter-meets-sawdust flavor profile, that leaves a slightly malty and oily footprint on the palate (not as unpleasant as it sounds). I applaud the effort, and while I do have an enormous soft spot for cookie dough, this doesn't approximate it well at all, but it's unique enough to warrant multiple sentences of commentary, if nothing else.

Jun 21

Jun 21 Boost Advanced Rich Chocolate Nutritional Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Surprisingly punchy cocoa flavor, congruent with its attractive deep, dark brown visage. The sweetener profile is calibrated to an appropriate strength, but remains a little distracting and steers the overall flavor in a wonky direction. For the genre, this is quite palatable, but in the grand scheme of (chocolate milk) things, it's severely lacking in most of the scoring categories.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Barebells Choco Milk Drink

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Pleasant upfront texture and creamier-than-average for the genre, but severely lacking in salty presence that would have further amplified the cream and provided a more resolute…resolution to each sip. As it stands, it is what you probably think it is, and as long as your flavor expectations are adequately tempered, you won't feel cheated. The packaging is lovely (for what it's worth) and 325mL is easy enough to get through on your drive home from the gas station.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Prime Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

There's a sourness that is probably meant to simulate chocolate flavor, but it does nothing aside from highlight the other phony qualities going on here, mainly the sweetness and texture. It's a smooth enough way to get 32g of protein, I concede, but it's nothing that will please your tastebuds in the process, and you'll find yourself drinking this quickly, not out of enjoyment, but more to get it out of the way so you can put something else in your mouth that will be more satisfying. That said, this has a slight saltiness that the cookies & cream version does not, and that helps a little.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Nurri Mocha Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Refreshingly 'milky' for having come out of a can, and decently well-balanced in terms of the cocoa/coffee makeup of mocha. It's less sweet than average, which makes it feel more 'grown up'-- and there's minimal wonky aftertaste to contend with. For something that sports 30g protein, it doesn't feel bogged down and powder-laden. In short, I enjoyed this a fair bit more than expected, and it feels more intentional than most other chocolate-adjacent concoctions in the 'recovery' genre.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Prime Cookies & Cream Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Tastes like sweet plastic, with a slight astringency on the back end. It feels smooth and glides down the palate pretty quickly, but the fugazi sweetener lingers a bit too long and taints any 'cookies & cream' flavor that there might be. And there might not be. This isn't good.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Slate Ultra Protein Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Initially feels more balanced from a salty/sweet standpoint, which is an improvement, but the sweetener doesn't age well over the course of the sip and it leads to a drying sensation in the third act. There is a modest cookies & cream flavor that you can find if you sift through its other components thoroughly enough-- though careful, intentional sipping of this stuff likely not intended, and certainly not recommended. If people are this desperate for 30g of protein, I guess they're willing to brave the elements in the name of... better health? Ok.

Jun 13

Jun 13 Slate Ultra Protein Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Gone is the searing, face-altering, chemical spill in a can, in favor of a significantly muted, bland, and more pleasantly palatable version of Slate. This actually surprised me when I first tried it, in a positive, found-a-five-dollar-bill-in-my-pants-pocket way. They seem to have understood that when taste is bad, less of it is better, and they've righted the ship to the point where this is neither distracting nor off-putting. For high-protein, low carb, canned chocolate milk, this may be as good as it gets.

Dec 8

Dec 8 Spylt Cookies & Cream Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Watery and sweet with a mild upfront vanilla-ish cookies & cream flavor, but quickly washes out and retreats to a nigh-chalky astringent finish. It approximates what an artificially-sweetened vanilla Yoo-hoo would be, but with added caffeine. It's underwhelming, ghostly (ghastly?) white, and not out of place in the Spylt portfolio.

Dec 8

Dec 8 Slate Mocha Latte

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Strong coffee flavor that does a decent job of masking the monk fruit and Stevia leaf sweetener pairing-- this feels like it has a lot of caffeine (and it does-- 175mg per can). Fortunately, the sweeteners don't play a supporting role, and this is overall a few standard deviations less sweet than average chocolate milk. Texture-wise, you can feel the modestly starchy protein isolate throughout, and especially upon the conclusion each sip, where there's a noticeable but non-egregious astringency that lingers for a few beats. I don't get any of the 'cocoa' side of 'mocha'-- but flavor-wise, this is the most palatable chocolate-adjacent product I've had from Slate.

Dec 8

Dec 8 Premier Protein Winter Mint Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

A pleasant change-up to the genre, I will say the mint flavoring here is both deftly executed and welcomed, even if it's only a limited edition release. It's nicely under-sweet, with equally discernible but not over-the-top chocolate and mint components. From a texture standpoint, sure, it suffers the same afflictions of the high-protein/low calorie genre-- a thickened/starchy/chalky body with a drying finish-- but some of that is mitigated by a nicely resolute cooling/minty presence on the back-end. It's not strong enough to call it a 'zing'-- but perhaps a more subtle and demure 'farewell.'

Nov 2

Nov 2 Byrne Dairy Reduced Fat Lactose Free Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Like a wonky artificial intelligence approximation of chocolate milk-- it's close, but the 'uncanny valley' is undeniably present when it comes the the taste and texture. Flavor-wise, it's appropriately sweet (palatable combination of sugar and Sucralose, without its usual Acesulfame Potassium partner), but a weak, uncommitted cocoa presence readily succumbs to a cooked milk flavor that serves as a constant remider that shelf-life is valued over taste. Texture-wise, it's a thicker than 2% should be and not as 'milky' as you'd hope for. This seems to be another addition to the recent fad-bastardization of chocolate milk with the promise of higher protein, lower sugar, no lactose-- at the expense of what draws people to chocolate milk in the first place.

Oct 14

Oct 14 Oikos Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Poor balance of thickness-to-creaminess ratio very much in favor of the former, and strikingly undersweet in an almost avant-garde way, which I do appreciate. Much of the flavor is focused on chocolate-- a pleasant departure from the cloying, chemical sweetness that plagues the 'recovery shake' genre. A little salt would go a long way here, but what you're ultimately left with is a nigh-sludgy, unsweetened cocoa-forward and otherwise austere way to swill 30g protein.

Oct 14

Oct 14 Redcon1 MRE Protein Shake Milk Chocolate (2025)

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

As a chocolate milk reviewer, 'bad' is a word I go out of my way to avoid using. It's boring, one-dimensional, and a pretty 'basic bitch' adjective to employ in a food or drink review. But this stuff is just...bad-- not sure how else to say it. An almost violently bright/beautiful brown color overpromises to a fraudulent extent-- because as soon as this crosses your lips, a bolt of searing regret hits you right in whatever part of the brain registers searing regret, I think it's behind one of the ears somewhere. From the painfully cloying and flat-out weird sweetener profile, to the chalky yet somehow watery and unfulfilling texture, to the obtuse 'cocoa' flavor that just tastes like a foul 'brown' in the way that fruit punch tastes (somewhat pleasantly) 'red.' If you need 40g protein, eat a half dozen eggs instead. Raw, and still in the shell if you have to.

Oct 14

Oct 14 MrBeast Feastables Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos

USA

Cocoa and 'cooked milk' flavor engage in a contentious yet civil battle for supremacy, with each claiming a piece of the crown at different points in the sip. Sweetness, salt, and cream play their supporting roles competently and remain in balance throughout. Texture-wise, it feels satisfying and fully-burdened, without veering into sludgy/chalky territory that claims many a protein-fortified chocolate milk. The 'good' certainly outweighs the 'bad'-- there are several things to like here. Rarely do you find a 'whole' protein fortified chocolate milk that employs real sugar as a sweetener. I also applaud the commitment to Fair Trade and eradication of child labor in the chocolate industry. My reviews are solely on taste/drinking experience, however, this remains a tasty and portable (UHT) way to enjoy a few extra grams of protein. That 'cooked milk' or caramelized lactose flavor is inevitable in ultra-high-temp pasteurization; I get that it's a necessary evil when balancing flavor with distribution and shelf life limitations.