Lightly sweet with a malty undertone, the silky-smooth texture feels luxurious beyond its reduced-fat budget. It earns high marks for physical drinkability, and the feel pairs well with its uniquely demure cocoa presence.
TruMoo Fat Free Chocolate Milk
A mere husk of what chocolate milk could (and should) be, this fat-free, soul-free, flavor-free concoction leaves you with nothing more than an annoying astringent finish and abject puzzlement. Water seems more interesting and nuanced by comparison.
Iconic Protein Drink Chocolate Truffle
Whomever decided to package and sell this stuff should be put on a watch list. It’s watery, yet fiercely chalky, and the flavor is decidedly more ‘graphite’ than ‘chocolate truffle.’ They could easily rebrand this as an appetite suppressant.
Slate Dark Chocolate Milk
Less flavorful overall than its ‘classic’ counterpart, and when the flavor is generally bad, less of it is a good thing. The cocoa is more noticeable, but there isn’t much salt, sweetness, or cream to help develop it or add dimension. It’s watery and highly chalky as well— I appreciate the packaging and the ‘better for you’ endeavor, but from a flavor / drinking experience standpoint, it’s significantly below the typical ‘bad’ chocolate milk.
Yoohoo Cookies & Cream
Easily the worst version of Yoo-hoo I’ve tried. The bouquet alone should be an effective defense mechanism, but should you go in for a sip, rest assured it will be one of very few. It’s an egregious miss—assuming the target was cookies & cream and not soured acetone. This is terrible.
Slate Classic Chocolate Milk
Well, it’s cold, brown, and would suck if you spilled it on your crotch— that’s where the similarities with chocolate milk end. I want to like this, but even the smallest sip brings about facial contortions. It looks decent coming out the can, but the flavor is unfortunately dominated by a heavy-handed pseudo-bitter-sweet twang that steers the rest of the experience toward imminent catastrophe.
DeBacker Family Dairy Chocolate Milk
An avalanche of indulgence curb-stomps your tastebuds into blissful oblivion! Highlighted by a powerfully true cocoa flavor and equally formidable cream quotient, this is the real deal Holyfield- accept no imitations, honor no substitutions, worship no other libations.
Full Circle Market Organic Chocolate Milk
A pleasant salty-malty journey through familiar “Two-percent Reduced Fat Organic Chocolate Milk” territory. It does what it sets out to do and delivers a flavorful enough drinking experience to warrant your consideration.
Organic Valley Fuel Chocolate
If Robitussin got into the chocolate milk business, I would expect something similar to this. Fortunately the Stevia flavor isn’t oppressive, but it’s not flavorful in any positive direction. The texture is dense and not as unnatural as expected, and visually, it looks ok. And just like that, my cough is gone.
Nature's Best Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Super forgettable but actually quite decent for the institutional market. It’s nicely smooth, and averagely everything else. The experience peaks at the eye-catching package, and once opened, it quickly retreats to the median.
Twix Lowfat Chocolate Milk
Perhaps I’m bitter, but as a lover of Twix I must be strict here. Absent are the best features of the candy bar— the cookie crunch and the fact that there are 2 bars; thus you’re left with a soulless, syrupy milk that harbors a scorched caramel bite and thankfully few other notables.
Snickers Lowfat Chocolate Milk
I was shocked to find that ‘coffee’ was not a primary ingredient— as this tastes much more like a botched hazelnut mocha latte than a liquid Snickers bar. Things only get worse in the aftertaste— best not to have a foretaste.
Good & Gather Lactose Free Chocolate Milk
Creamy, light, and crisply flavorful— yet another well-crafted concoction for the lactose averse that happily stays within its boundaries.
Shetler Family Dairy Chocolate Milk
An avalanche of what I can best describe as ‘creamy girth’— which is decidedly more appealing than it reads. This is by far its standout feature, as there isn’t a strong flavor component in any particular direction— but fans of dense cream and light malt should take notice.
The Farmers' Creamery Chocolate Milk
Smooth, yet full texture with a sharp malty bite that is pulled off extremely well due its creamy sustain and seemingly self-aware disinclination to linger. I was left wanting more, exacerbated by the fact that I couldn’t easily procure more.
Cream Cup Dairy Chocolate Milk
Cocoa flavor gilded with a feral, buttery cream that very few chocolate milks can achieve, and all should aspire to. Refreshingly simple, perfectly balanced, and deliciously real. Wow!
Moomers Farm Creamery Chocolate Milk
Powerful cocoa upfront that affords the cream time to establish roots in the latter half of the sip— giving you two phases of satisfaction whilst preparing you for the next draw. This is a cycle you won’t want to break— as the cocoa profile is uniquely intoxicating and the non-homogenized base is a welcoming host who truly makes you feel ‘at home’ regardless of your actual surroundings.
Lala Chocolate Low Fat Milk
Nicely punchy flavor that lives up to its attractive aesthetics— too bad most people will never see it outside of its Tetra Pak enclosure. Thin, smooth, and appropriately balanced salty-sweet levers, this is a shelf-stable chocolate milk that would serve as a great punctuation to anyone’s bagged lunch.
Traderspoint Creamery Organic Chocolate Milk
Girthy, but not earthy. Dense, without pretense. On my third version of TPC chocolate milk and I’m clearly flustered, listless, and struggling for adjectives that I haven’t already used to describe this. In short, it’s densely packed with strong, lasting cocoa flavor that you rarely find in drinkable form. The cream’s grassy snap is a confident nod to its roots, and the overall quality feels remarkably congruent with its grounds in Zionsville.
Dandy Breeze Creamery Chocolate Milk
Blissfully smooth and creamy, it warms the heart as much as it does the palate. It drinks like a dream— one of those dreams that when you wake up from it, you immediately try to get back into it. I now lie fully satisfied, reflecting intently on the half gallon container and the 12 minutes it took to render it dry.