All tagged 1.5

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Powerful Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Cookies & Cream

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Poorly-executed cookies & cream flavor reliant on a fakey-sweet upfront pop and little more than instant regret on the back end. It didn't feel convincingly 'good'-- and by 'good' I mean 'not rotten'-- so it had me verifying the date stamped on the package a couple times. As of today, the Use By date is still 4+ months in the future, so I'm left to assume it's just general funkiness (and not bacterial invasion) responsible for the off-kilter taste.

Six Star Clean Protein Shake Gourmet Chocolate Milk

Six Star Clean Protein Shake Gourmet Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Somehow manages to avoid 'face-twisting' territory. The texture is chalky, drying, and heavy, while the flavor is best described as faux-sweetly metallic. You could do a lot worse in this category, but drinking this for pleasure would be an exercise in self-loathing. If you need 32g of protein with minimal caloric baggage, have at it, but don't expect to like it.

Glucerna Shake Rich Chocolate

Glucerna Shake Rich Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Chalky and metallic, with a lasting vitamin-y aftertaste. It's fairly thin and has a surprising salty quality which works to its advantage. I've had much worse in this category, but this drinks like a junior varsity port of Ensure. Not recommended for recreational use.

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Slate Dark Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Much flatter than its lighter counterpart, the sledgehammer of fake sweetness is significantly mitigated here-- allowing for some actual cocoa flavor to poke through. There's still an issue with the chalky / drying texture here but that's not terribly uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. A clear winner among the Slate portfolio, but still won't compare favorably to even the most average of chocolate milks.

Lean Body Chocolate Protein Shake

Lean Body Chocolate Protein Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Oddly undersweet at first sip, until a wave of phony, cloying sweetness rushes to the 'rescue' in the latter third of the sip. Admittedly, it wrests your attention away from the thick, chalky sludgy texture. It looks chocolaty, but that doesn't translate to the drinking experience much at all-- as bad as this is, I've had significantly worse. It's not face-twisting awful, which is the best thing I can say about it.

Kroger CarbMaster

Kroger CarbMaster

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Searing upfront sweetness that may be a welcome palate assault for the hardcore carb-averse, but for everyone else, this is much more likely to offend than satisfy. The cocoa flavor is strong enough to poke through for a quick cameo, and its fat-starved, artificially-thickened base is less concerning than the sweetener concoction which, un-chased, will continue to devalue your oral real estate.

Premier Protein Chocolate

Premier Protein Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Sludgy, chalky, and vitamin-y tasting-- this would serve well as a meal replacement as it rather efficiently curbs the appetite. It's not face-twistingly bad, but rather predictable in its fortified flavor and clotted body. You deserve much better regardless of whether you just finished a crossfit workout or a large pizza.

Prairie Farms Chocolate Custard

Prairie Farms Chocolate Custard

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

A violently sweet attempt at chocolate egg nog, with no semblance of chocolate, and sugar content seemingly beyond what science could allow. The searing sweetness will aggravate the nerves in your throat; it’s criminal that this doesn’t come with an insulin chaser.

Eskimo Chocolate

Eskimo Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Nicaragua

A poor meld of flavors, marked particularly by its paucity of salt— which throws things further out of balance and foists more attention on the dusty cocoa flavor and untrue sweetness. There is some pleasant congruence, however, between the taste (bad) and the aesthetics (bad).

Milk 2 Go Cookies & Cream

Milk 2 Go Cookies & Cream

Perry Argiropoulos
Canada

If washed-out vanilla milk is your scene, look no further. What flavor there is lingers a bit much and morphs into an unpleasant aftertaste that will have you reaching for the salt & vinegar chips to bring it to swift judgment.

Kroger Slim Rite Milk Chocolate

Kroger Slim Rite Milk Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Vitamin-like metallic scent, minimally serviceable cocoa flavor, and loads of sandy granules that you can crunch between your bicuspids. Perhaps the best feature is the 5g of fiber per bottle, which can further expedite the process of getting this out of your system.

Selecta Low Fat Chocolate Milk

Selecta Low Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Philippines

Smooth, bland, tastes of wet cardboard— the kind that had a lot of permanent marker writing on it. There’s very little depth to the flavor, and there’s nothing to hold your attention beyond the initial “I wonder what this tastes like” sip. The answer comes quickly, and you only take additional sips if you’re dying of thirst, or reviewing the product. Damn.

F&N Magnolia Chocolate Milk (UHT plastic)

F&N Magnolia Chocolate Milk (UHT plastic)

Perry Argiropoulos
Malaysia

Begins with a remarkably sharp salty hit that feels artificial, and is entirely distracting from whatever else might be taking place. Thankfully, it recedes almost as quickly as it comes on, but each sip repeats the cycle, and it’s not something you’ll want to experience multiple times in a row.

Acti-Shake Chocolate

Acti-Shake Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
Germany

Super starchy feel and a faux-sweetened wheatish taste. You could do a lot worse, but also a lot better with much less effort. Very little chocolate flavor— but if you like that ‘proteiny’ feel, have a go.

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