All tagged 1.5
Bad from first sip to last (which ideally is the same sip). You're immediately flooded with cloying fake-sweetness thanks to a relatively heavy-handed stevia presence, and from there, the cocoa flavor passes by almost unnoticed, and you're left with a chalky, astringent feeling in the mouth. Don't give this to your kids, unless they've misbehaved and the more traditional methods of punishment have proven ineffective.
There's a sourness that is probably meant to simulate chocolate flavor, but it does nothing aside from highlight the other phony qualities going on here, mainly the sweetness and texture. It's a smooth enough way to get 32g of protein, I concede, but it's nothing that will please your tastebuds in the process, and you'll find yourself drinking this quickly, not out of enjoyment, but more to get it out of the way so you can put something else in your mouth that will be more satisfying. That said, this has a slight saltiness that the cookies & cream version does not, and that helps a little.
Interesting initial pop of flavor-- a punchy (faux) sweetness, then a cocoa hit, then somewhat of a watery washout. It makes you feel 'something'-- whether that 'something' adds to or subtracts from your experience on this planet is certainly debatable. The watery finish ameliorates some of the (would-be) chalkiness and astringency, but it accentuates the gimmicky sweetener combination of Sucralose, invert sugar, and Stevia. Do it if you need the protein. Don't if you don't.
Beefy, starchy, chalky, and thankfully somewhat bland. The sweetener is fortunately less-aggressive than its sibling and while the chocolate flavor is entirely absent-- it's blander, and somehow more enjoyable for it. Texture-wise, this is a bad matchup for me-- the drying/chalkiness grinds your mouth to a screeching halt, you will feel like you could light a match off your tongue. Or really any surface that this stuff comes in contact with. I've had much worse tasting things in this genre, but the physical drinking experience of this is bottom-tier. Yuck.
Mystifying combination of thin/smooth viscosity with a chalky, astringent epilogue-- giving it a medicinal bent (think Pepto Bismol without the tasty mint flavor). The weird foamy head that manifests a few minutes after pouring it into a cup is an ample harbinger of the non-milky experience upon which you'll soon embark. The cocoa flavor has an unflattering aerosol essence to it and despite the label touting "made with a Greek Yogurt base" there is no fermented, yogurty, microbial presence-- which is the best thing I can say about it.
Poorly-executed cookies & cream flavor reliant on a fakey-sweet upfront pop and little more than instant regret on the back end. It didn't feel convincingly 'good'-- and by 'good' I mean 'not rotten'-- so it had me verifying the date stamped on the package a couple times. As of today, the Use By date is still 4+ months in the future, so I'm left to assume it's just general funkiness (and not bacterial invasion) responsible for the off-kilter taste.
Somehow manages to avoid 'face-twisting' territory. The texture is chalky, drying, and heavy, while the flavor is best described as faux-sweetly metallic. You could do a lot worse in this category, but drinking this for pleasure would be an exercise in self-loathing. If you need 32g of protein with minimal caloric baggage, have at it, but don't expect to like it.
Chalky and metallic, with a lasting vitamin-y aftertaste. It's fairly thin and has a surprising salty quality which works to its advantage. I've had much worse in this category, but this drinks like a junior varsity port of Ensure. Not recommended for recreational use.
Much flatter than its lighter counterpart, the sledgehammer of fake sweetness is significantly mitigated here-- allowing for some actual cocoa flavor to poke through. There's still an issue with the chalky / drying texture here but that's not terribly uncommon among protein-fortified drinks. A clear winner among the Slate portfolio, but still won't compare favorably to even the most average of chocolate milks.
Oddly undersweet at first sip, until a wave of phony, cloying sweetness rushes to the 'rescue' in the latter third of the sip. Admittedly, it wrests your attention away from the thick, chalky sludgy texture. It looks chocolaty, but that doesn't translate to the drinking experience much at all-- as bad as this is, I've had significantly worse. It's not face-twisting awful, which is the best thing I can say about it.
Searing upfront sweetness that may be a welcome palate assault for the hardcore carb-averse, but for everyone else, this is much more likely to offend than satisfy. The cocoa flavor is strong enough to poke through for a quick cameo, and its fat-starved, artificially-thickened base is less concerning than the sweetener concoction which, un-chased, will continue to devalue your oral real estate.
Sludgy, chalky, and vitamin-y tasting-- this would serve well as a meal replacement as it rather efficiently curbs the appetite. It's not face-twistingly bad, but rather predictable in its fortified flavor and clotted body. You deserve much better regardless of whether you just finished a crossfit workout or a large pizza.
A violently sweet attempt at chocolate egg nog, with no semblance of chocolate, and sugar content seemingly beyond what science could allow. The searing sweetness will aggravate the nerves in your throat; it’s criminal that this doesn’t come with an insulin chaser.
A poor meld of flavors, marked particularly by its paucity of salt— which throws things further out of balance and foists more attention on the dusty cocoa flavor and untrue sweetness. There is some pleasant congruence, however, between the taste (bad) and the aesthetics (bad).
If washed-out vanilla milk is your scene, look no further. What flavor there is lingers a bit much and morphs into an unpleasant aftertaste that will have you reaching for the salt & vinegar chips to bring it to swift judgment.
Vitamin-like metallic scent, minimally serviceable cocoa flavor, and loads of sandy granules that you can crunch between your bicuspids. Perhaps the best feature is the 5g of fiber per bottle, which can further expedite the process of getting this out of your system.
A biting stevia twang rushes to the sides of your tongue, absconding with the bulk of your attention. What remains is a non-creamy, earthy-cocoa-flavored liquid that's not worth your time, money, or refrigerator space.
Smooth, bland, tastes of wet cardboard— the kind that had a lot of permanent marker writing on it. There’s very little depth to the flavor, and there’s nothing to hold your attention beyond the initial “I wonder what this tastes like” sip. The answer comes quickly, and you only take additional sips if you’re dying of thirst, or reviewing the product. Damn.
Begins with a remarkably sharp salty hit that feels artificial, and is entirely distracting from whatever else might be taking place. Thankfully, it recedes almost as quickly as it comes on, but each sip repeats the cycle, and it’s not something you’ll want to experience multiple times in a row.
Tastes (and feels) like weak hot chocolate powder mixed with water. Hard to imagine this having 64 calories and 2.3g fat per 100mL— that in itself seems like a feat of food science and engineering.
