All tagged 3.0

Slate Ultra Protein Chocolate

Slate Ultra Protein Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Gone is the searing, face-altering, chemical spill in a can, in favor of a significantly muted, bland, and more pleasantly palatable version of Slate. This actually surprised me when I first tried it, in a positive, found-a-five-dollar-bill-in-my-pants-pocket way. They seem to have understood that when taste is bad, less of it is better, and they've righted the ship to the point where this is neither distracting nor off-putting. For high-protein, low carb, canned chocolate milk, this may be as good as it gets.

Twix Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Twix Reduced Fat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Noticeably less sweet, less punchy, less…well, everything compared with its candy bar cousins Snickers and Milky Way. I quite enjoy a Twix bar-- in part because of the crunch juxtaposed with the salty caramel-- but mostly because there are two bars in the package. This captures none of the Twix bar allure, and feels out of place and somewhat of a 'forced' drinkable port of the popular candy. "Ah if only I could drink this" said nobody ever, while eating a Twix.

Prairie Farms Lactose Free Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Prairie Farms Lactose Free Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Silky smooth texture and very lightly chocolaty with a cooked milk overtone-- pretty much standard fare for a lowfat, lactose free chocolate milk. It's inoffensive and unexciting. I feel like I've written this review a dozen times-- and it's those mid-bell curve, forgettable formulations that make review writing difficult. Gimme an 'A' or gimme an 'F' someone once said-- those are the fun reviews to write. This is a C at best.

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Nesquik Zero Sugar Added Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

In an attempt to remove some calories and all flavor, Nesquik Zero is a no-sugar added version of their already washed-out chocolate concoction. There's not much here-- the Sucralose & ace-K sweetener duo are pleasantly unobtrusive, and you're left with a lightly malty whimper of what may have been chocolate milk at one time. If this is what they were going for, they knocked it out of the park.

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Pioneer Pastures Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Exceedingly thin cocoa presence, and very little flavor outside of the cloying, unnatural-feeling spike you get from the monk fruit juice concentrate (natural sweetener). The strange sweetness twang dominates the experience and remains into the aftertaste, paired with a textural astringency that plays chalkier than it should on the palate. I appreciate that it's lactose free, A2 beta casein protein, gluten free, lower sugar, higher protein-- but the flavor and drinking experience is severely lacking in the 'enjoyment' measures.

Choc-Ola Cow Power!

Choc-Ola Cow Power!

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Basically a slightly more chocolaty version of Yoo-hoo. It's watery, thin, smooth, and largely unsatisfying. I like the packaging, and I respect the fact that it's been an Indianapolis institution for more years than I've been on this planet. I just don't see what value it brings to the table outside of nostalgia.

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Shamrock Farms Mocha Latte Rockin' Protein Energy

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Fairly odd stuff, even for the chocolate-adjacent category. It's as though you spilled a cup of cornstarch in your hours-old mug of Folgers. Doesn't have a ton of flavor, but what's there is decidedly more coffee than cocoa. It's undersweet, undersalty, undercreamy, and overstarchy. On the plus side, you could probably use this as the goopy paste in your next paper maché project.

Sport Shake Chocolate (2022)

Sport Shake Chocolate (2022)

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Thick, sludgy, and paralyzingly sweet-- it looks better than it tastes and exudes a bit of 'heat' on the palate that feels weird. Good chocolate milk rarely comes in aluminum cans-- and it never comes in a can that looks like this.

Bowl & Basket Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Bowl & Basket Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Syrupy-sweet and physically drying on the back end-- not a mouthfeel that dreams are made of. You have to look pretty hard to locate any legitimate cocoa flavor, and you'll likely want to call off the search before anything is found. There are much better options sold by the gallon, including (but not limited to) distilled water.

Fairlife Reduced Fat Cookies N' Creme Milk

Fairlife Reduced Fat Cookies N' Creme Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Very muted flavor-- has an almost diluted quality to it, and while it's largely unoffensive-- it's far from moving the needle in any positive direction. Initially smooth, it finishes with a chalky, drying lilt and predictably flat aftertaste. I'll concede that the packaging looks cool-- but if it's what's on the inside that counts, this doesn't belong among polite society.

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Rich Milk Chocolate

Carnation Breakfast Essentials Rich Milk Chocolate

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Strong enough cocoa presence to challenge (not quite 'mitigate') the metallic / fortified flavor, and thankfully the stevia is dialed to an appropriate level-- avoiding the telltale 'twang' that typically accompanies it. Texture-wise, it's an odd combination of thin yet deeply chalky-- it won't feel terribly unfamiliar, but it remains several standard deviations away from desirable.

PediaSure Chocolate Shake

PediaSure Chocolate Shake

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

As a closet Ensure apologist (don't tell anyone) this is largely similar in texture and flavor to its grown-up (elderly?) counterpart. There's a definite 'vitamin-y' quality to the flavor, but the sweet-salty balance is decent and there's enough fat content to usher each sip toward a satisfying conclusion provided your expectations are adequately tempered.

Yay! Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Yay! Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
Canada

Overly thick and chalky with an ok cocoa hit that can't quite cover the cooked milk flavor. Despite its gorgeous dark brown visage, there's not much more to enjoy unless you've got a serious penchant for soulless, stabilizer-riddled dairy.

Lewes Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Lewes Dairy Lowfat Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Sweet and really nothing else. There's no way anyone would identify this as 'chocolate' if blindfolded. A syrupy vanilla flavor is really the only standout flavor characteristic, and the texture is smooth and milky-adjacent, but not quite there either.

La Colombe Draft Chocolate Milk

La Colombe Draft Chocolate Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Surprisingly well-represented dark chocolate flavor over a paper-thin base that is quickly overmatched and incapable of doing the cocoa justice. Each sip imparts a warming sensation in the mouth that may precipitate salivation to clear it away. The packaging is gorgeous, the flavor unique, and the execution ultimately strays from 'indulgence' and instead leans toward 'interesting novelty that I don't need to have again.'

Fairlife Yup! Cookies N' Creamiest Milk

Fairlife Yup! Cookies N' Creamiest Milk

Perry Argiropoulos
USA

Mild cookies ‘n cream flavor delivered through an uber-smooth medium that feels a touch unnatural. On the positive side, the artificial sweeteners don’t go overboard here, which is surprising, as cookies ’n cream drinks are prone to that affliction. It doesn’t move the genre forward, but provides another vehicle to get that much needed acesulfame potassium and Sucralose in your diet.

Load More