All tagged 1.0

Mu Choco Dichoso

I’m reminded of a late-season corn crib— as the flavor has a strong fermented grain quality. Each swallow fades clumsily into a starchy roux, causing you to question what, why, and how. And ultimately, who.

Joyya Chocolate Milk

A rotten, chalkier emulation of Fairlife, Everything is second rate, from the sickly gray substance that slithers out of the hole to the ‘what-sweetness-exists-is-obviously-fake’ flavor, to the starchy, drying finish. Awful.

Hiland Skim Chocolate Milk

It's easy to forget how unnatural skim chocolate milk looks, feels, and tastes— this is no exception. Cloyingly sweet and unsupported by its cream-starved base, you will begin to wonder if even the most sugar-ravenous kids would disparage their young viscera with anything more than a trial sip.

Alpura Deslactosada Chocolate

Boozy and sweet— makes me wonder if this milk is in the process of turning foul. There's a very prominent powdery feel, which may be in part due to the rehydration. I watch its solute cling desperately to the inside of the glass, as I regrettably afford my innards the same fate. Ok, ‘no mas.’

Inex Samson Chocodrink

There's some kind of action that goes on in the back of the mouth, akin to a how a relatively light liqueur might feel. Maybe this stuff is starting to ‘turn’— it’s not quite to the boozy stage but has a disconcerting feel, and a sourness that fills the remainder of the experience.

Albert Heijn Basic Skimmed Choco Milk

Gives off a strange sensation that I’ve not felt much before— the first sip hits you as a hollow sweetness, and then, in your mouth, the swallow and aftertaste just get progressively sweeter. I’m not sure how/why this works, but it’s unpleasant. The sweetness feels unnatural as well, and the chocolate flavor is not at all worth the trouble.

Baltais Piens Sokolades

Smells like joint compound- the type that goes on purple and dries white. The consistency is smooth but not entirely ‘milky’— it’s ‘off’ just enough to suspect foul play. Flavorwise, it’s only mildly sweet, not chocolaty, and has a raw, sour note that is weak, but congruent with its industrial bouquet.

Pilos Johny Kakao

Smells a lot better than it tastes. The hazelnut flavor carries a slight bitterness before the sweetness of the remainder of the drink can register. It’s fairly thick, surprisingly smooth, and fairly creamy— but there's no cocoa flavor to offset the nutty funk.

Parmalat Laktozmentes Kakaos Tej

I’ve never actually wrung out damp tree bark and lapped the drippings, but this would be the flavor that I reckon would result. Water-thin, highly unsweet, 80% earthy, 15% wheaty, and the last 5% is hard to put a finger on, but for now let’s file it under ‘lichens.’